


a form of self-destruction

by ephemeral_one



Series: the effects of love [1]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Dissociation, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Okumura Eiji Loves Ash Lynx, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, POV Okumura Eiji, Panic Attacks, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:01:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27504982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ephemeral_one/pseuds/ephemeral_one
Summary: Eiji is selfish.My, how selfish he must be to think only of himself when others have had it so much worse than him, to compare what happened to them to what happened to him.[or the fic where Eiji goes on a life-changing adventure with Ash Lynx, blatantly ignoring his own trauma in the process.][Set in Episodes 1 - 10, but it jumps around a bit.]
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji, Okumura Eiji/Original Female Character(s)
Series: the effects of love [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2070024
Comments: 6
Kudos: 87





	a form of self-destruction

Eiji is used to taking big leaps, to jumping before he looks as if going by instinct alone.

It's what led him to pole vaulting - the sport acting as a physical manifestation of his own nature. Being on the track felt right, flying felt right. When he leaps, his heart soars and his blood sings. His mind clears and he's left without worry or sadness or fear. It's a peaceful second, a better world where perhaps his father isn't sick and his mother isn't unfaithful and his neighbor -

It's just him alone in those few weightless moments, as it should be.

Then he glides down, joining the rest of the humans where their stuck on the earth. The landing is by far the worse part. It brings those negative emotions back to him, flooding his mind for a painful moment. He can't wallow in them too long though since coming down also means being active in the world around him, not just staying in his own head.

His coach gives him a nod, approving of his form, and his teammates smile at him, some patting him on the back to congratulate him. On the sidelines, his little sister is cheering loudly and embarrassingly - his teammates will certainly tease him about it later. Still, it was cute how she stood on the other side of the fence, face holding an expression of awe even though she's been here many times before, seen him vault about a million times before.

"It's like you're flying."

Eiji manages to smile as he remembers the wonder in her voice when she told him that, readying himself to jump once more. Staring at her wide eyes once more, he doesn't want to disappoint her.

It was almost muscle memory how he runs across the track, how he sticks his pole in the box to feel it snap upward and his body follows the movement. It felt freeing once more, the joyous feeling causing a smile to break out on his face as he finds himself looking towards his sister to see her reaction.

This turns out to be a mistake.

Next to his sister was _her_ \- with her dark eyes and deceptive smile - sharing the same awestruck expression as his little sister as if such a woman deserved to look anything like his dear sister. The sudden shift in his own emotions tensed his muscles and suddenly he's not flying anymore.

In fact, he'll never fly again.

* * *

Time starts to bleed after that.

There's the moment of impact - a clear scene in his mind where his sister cries as she clings to him and his teammates talk in panicked whispers - but after that there's nothing. Well, nothing worth remembering, anyway. The world fades in and out at the worst moments. Sometimes there's nothing at all, where he barely hears his sister's voice through his waterlogged thoughts, and other times there's far too much, where he shivers as manicured nails run across his bandaged ankle.

Ibe is his saving grace, one that he wishes came sooner.

His accident has ruined any and every chance he had of pole vaulting again. Eiji wishes he could blame it on the ankle alone, but he finds that anytime he even attempts the running start, he drifts instead - a sickly, sweet voice whispering in his ear, saying that he should get better soon.

~~_"I'd love to see you fly again, Eiji."_ ~~

It's too much and he wishes Ibe would've come before it hit this point. But he supposes he shouldn't be picky, that Eiji should just accept the offering as a gift.

Still, time continues to blur and he continues to drift even as his sister hugs him tightly to say goodbye, even as they board the plane to America. He has to stop it soon, he knows this. There's already a small wrinkle forming between Ibe's brows that says he's starting to worry whenever Eiji replies with his fake smiles and insincere laughter. The man is clearly becoming uncomfortable, glancing at Eiji every minute and hesitating before he talks. When he finally does say something, it's just to tell Eiji that New York will do him some good, that he'll get out of whatever rut he's in soon.

But Eiji's tired. He's tired and scared and Ibe's words fail to bring him comfort.

New York may not be Izumo, but that doesn't guarantee he'll get any better.

* * *

Eiji's not sure how he got here.

Well, that's not exactly true. He knows what brought him to this point, knows that following Ibe to America was his best bet at escaping Japan, knows that they came here to interview and photograph a local gang. Still, there seems to be a disconnect in his memories.

One moment he's in a bar, eyes trailing after golden hair and intense emerald eyes, and the next he's flying - _i'm actually flying!_

It's when the thought comes that he hits the ground, body crashing through boxes and empty beer bottles. It's much different than the time he vaulted, the first time he fell. There's pain, a tangible solid pain that he can _feel_ \- he almost want to laugh at it if it weren't for the fact that it hurt, _it actually hurt_. And he's not drifting anymore, in fact this may be the best he felt in months. This time it feels like he feels like he's still flying even as he limps away, like he's never stopped flying.

It's a wonderful feeling that he has to hold off because he did this for a reason. He needs to get in contact with Charlie, needs to save Ash and Skip.

He _needs_ to help them no matter what it takes, he promised as much.

* * *

Turns out, _'no matter what it takes'_ is equal to being kidnapped twice, held at gun point more times than he can count and witnessing a murder in less than two weeks. Couple on a mafia syndicate mass producing a shady drug that induces aggression and sudden self-destructive behavior on anyone who comes in contact with it and Eiji's sure he's living in some cliché crime novel. He'd laugh about it more if only the sight of Arthur's wicked grin or Griffin Callenreese's corpse didn't flash in his mind anytime he blinked.

It comes at no surprise when Ibe says he wants to go back to Japan.

He worries just as much for Eiji's physical state as he does his mental. He's seen Eiji hospitalized far too many times and just wants him to be alive and safe back in Japan. But Eiji _can't_ go back, doesn't want to go back - unlike Ibe, he knows Japan isn't safe. 

Being here, in New York with the likes of Ash Lynx, has made him feel more like himself than he has in the past month. He has yet to come down from the high, his heart flittering rapidly as if it too is taking flight. It's a feeling that makes him smile once more, a genuine smile that comes from thoughts of a boy who saved his life, who inspired him to vault again. 

With all that is happening - and things that will happen in the impending future - Eiji's supposes that this high might be too good to last long. But Ash has put faith in him - a blinding trust that is so rarely given out, that Eiji is underserving of. He owes it to Ash to make up for all he's done - for the lives of Skip and Griffin.

For now, he'll stick to the story, stick to Ash. 

* * *

The story takes them on an impromptu road trip is Los Angeles, to the address that they found belongs to Dawson. 

There they find an old maid and Dawson's son, Yau-Si, both sporting fresh injuries from the attack on their home. Ash's interrogation of the two leads to no new information except that the maid's lips are seal shut - only speaking to inform them of food being ready - and Yau-Si is soft spoken in his shaky confession that his father has been missing for some time now. 

Eiji views the aftermath of his father's study along with everyone else and feels bad for the boy. He has half a mind to comfort him except there's a small detail that makes him throw the idea away entirely. You see, Eiji has no idea what to make of Yau-Si. There are no strong emotions or voices in his head that tell him what to do in his presence; yet, as he can feel that he's been on the verge of drifting ever since Cape Cod and Yau-Si's presence kind of puts him on edge. It's not for the reason Ash and Shorter seem to tense up around the other boy, however. It's simply because the boy's resemblance to Eiji's neighbor becomes too uncanny whenever the world starts to bleed around him.

It happens more frequently whenever he accidentally walks in on the boy - that one time that he finds Yau-Si alone with Ash makes him freeze at the door for a moment with the terrifying thought that _she_ is here. Truly, it makes Eiji feels bad. Having to deal with his father's disappearance must be rough and Yau-Si certainly doesn't need Eiji's unnecessary paranoia adding onto that stress. But he can't really control his thoughts or his emotions, not after all that's happened. So he just sticks to avoiding being with him alone, hopefully being subtle about it.

This plan epically fails on their second day in Dawson's home.

The old maid put out some tea to hopefully calm everybody's nerves and Ibe suggested that he indulge himself and relax for a bit. Then Ibe left to talk to Max and Yau-Si entered the room. The boy is not even talking to him, he's simply sitting across from Eiji as they both drink tea in what _should_ be a comfortable silence. It _should_ be a peaceful moment, the tea certainly relaxes his muscles as it makes it's way through his body; yet, the room starts to blur around him and Yau-Si hasn't moved but he seems so close - _too close._

Eiji has enough sense to finish the tea and place the cup down gently, but it is all thrown out the window as he all but bolts out of the room to the balcony, Yau-Si's curious gaze following him - _please, don't look at me._

It takes far too long to get there mostly because the floor underneath him starts to flow like water in his vision - a nauseating site that made him stop a couple of times just so he wouldn't throw up. He gets there, though. Taking a moment to finally breathe, he leans against the railing and watches as blue melts into pink and pink melts into orange. It reminds him of a watercolor picture his sister made him once and he finds that his lungs start to cooperate with him the more he thinks about it. Though, it still takes him a moment before he realizes that someone else is here with him.

"- back to Japan."

_oh, its just ash._

"What did you say?"

Eiji brushes off his nerves and plasters on a small smile, hoping Ash's keen eyes would ignore how he flinched.

"That you'll be a burden. Go back to Japan."

And that is not what he was hoping to hear, not now and not from Ash of all people. He almost feels like he can't breathe once more, except this time it's because his throat is closing in on itself - a painful signal meaning he might cry.

_why would i crying? i expected as much._

_after all i've done, ash has every right to tell me to go._

His thoughts are harshly clear despite how horrible he feels - _why does it hurt so much?_

"I can't refuse, can I?" It's a dumb question, one he already knows the answer to, but he still wants to voice it even if his voice is small, barely making it through without letting a cry slip past his lips. "I can't even protect myself. All I've done was slow you down."

"That's not true. You saved Skip and me."

Ash argues because that's the only good thing Eiji has done for him and even then it was a half-done job.

"But that was just -"

"That was the first time somebody helped me without asking for anything in return. Those who fed me or gave me a place to sleep always expected something back. Like sex. I only own a gun and learned to shoot because it was the only way to survive. I envy you for not needing a gun in life. You and I live in different worlds."

The longer Ash talks, the closer Eiji feels to the edge - the edge of what, he's not entirely sure. His body and mind seems to be at a disagreement as to whether he should drift once more or cry.

Either way, he doesn't want Ash to be there to witness it.

"I understand. Can I just have some time to think it over? I need to sort out my feelings."

It's surprisingly easy to say and Ash leaves with no problem; yet, Eiji can only focus on how his body has made its final decision. It seems like he'd both cry and drift, the world around him becoming an unintelligible mess where only him and his thoughts exist.

_what the hell am i doing?_

_of course, he doesn't want me around._

_i'm not strong or smart like ash, i can't even protect myself._

_am i stupid?_

_i'm gonna get myself killed!_

_why the hell am i here?_

These thoughts come with a crushing feeling, the high finally going away - _it's happening again, isn't it?_

He's not sure when but he gets off the balcony, eventually. The world is coming in bits and pieces, the gaps between the pieces getting longer.

Ibe is by his side, voice drowned in a static that gradually starts to build once his thoughts stop.

People rush around the room, angry murmuring mixed with harried movements that make them bleed into the walls around them.

 _She_ is here, Eiji's certain of it since he sees her standing in the shadows talking to someone - _purple . . . who's purple? shorter. shorter get away from her_.

There's a form vaguely resembling a human laying on the couch, but they shouldn't be sleeping not now - _she's here, you have to get up._

Then there's nothing.

It's not the same nothing as before, not the bleeding world with distorted figures and voices drowned by static. No, this nothing is just that: nothing.

Everything suddenly goes dark and quiet as if someone just flipped a switch. It is far less pleasant than his bleeding world, but try as he might, he just can't move - he can't escape it. 

He's stuck in this nothing world where all he can seem to do is feel and he feels far too much. Hands in the darkness grab at him - first small ones that pull at him like they want to tear him open and then larger ones that hold him as if he might shatter. In the darkness, neither brings comfort.

_stop. stop. stop. stop. stop._

It does, eventually.

But Eiji's not any better. He's crashing just like he was back then, when his jump went wrong and his life started to crumble. He's reached a precipice he never knew was possible and now he's falling over and over and over again. He just wants it to stop - _please, make it stop._

This constant spiral doesn't hold the muffled voice of his sister crying him or Ibe's half-baked form of comfort. Instead there is Arthur's wicked grin as Shorter screams out to him - a promise made. There is faceless people who grab at him, sneering as they tug at his clothes and pull his hair, laughing as he cries out. There is a large hand forcing his head up, his eyes meeting Golzine - the man who's brought about all this pain, who hurt Ash.

Eiji almost wishes the darkness would come back so he doesn't have to watch the man's eyes fill with both morbid glee and lust.

"We have big job waiting for him. And for you, too."

* * *

Golzine's body his heavy over his, a suffocating weight pressing down on Eiji's stomach. Hanging off the man's shoulder is Yau-Si - _Yut-Lung_ \- whispering sweetly into the mans ear and Eiji can feel how it gets him worked up, the hard press of his cock dragging along Eiji's thigh. Where Dino's hands touch, Yut-Lung's eyes follow. Both keeping Eiji overly simulated in ways that make his skin crawl and his mind shudder with how disgusting it all is.

Eiji is not sure he can last here.

Then Yut-Lung leans down to him, black hair surrounding them so that Eiji can only focus on him. His face is too close, their breaths mixing hotly between them and Eiji finds that he can't breathe at all. He's hyperventilating, short panicked exhales punching their way out of his lungs. Logically, he knows what to do to calm himself down, but he can't seem to get his body to cooperate with him. 

Yut-Lung's hand trails across his chest and the shuddering breath that escapes him is the only indication he gets as he starts to fall once more - the dark world and bleeding world joining together as he falls, _crashes_ , again.

He's helpless as everything changes around him - leaving his body in one place and his mind in another. Golzine's hands feel smaller; yet, no less persistent and Yut-Lung's face is rounder, eyes still the same empty black.

Eiji doesn't want to be here either.

* * *

_Eiji had a promising life in Izumo._

_Following his father's sickness, his relationship with his mother could be described as rocky at best, but his sister was always there for him, loving him just as much as he loved her. He also knew a couple people in his neighborhood, creating many friendships that way. Somehow he'd become exceedingly popular with housewives in the area as they'd call to him in cheery voices wanting to talk about anything and everything under the sun, which made his sister always grumble about cougars for some reason. His school life was fine, his academics were decently good. He wasn't extremely popular, but he had many friends and a couple people who admired him - though Eiji would deny this since no one has ever approached him and rumors of the such only came from his friends in joking tones. And his endeavors in pole vaulting were taking him places he could only dream of._

_With everything seemingly going well, Eiji took a risk and decided to move out to an apartment closer to his campus. He thought he was due for a change and the location was much easier than the trip he'd usually take to and from his family home. However, for someone so much younger than him, his sister worried for him. She never wanted him to leave and he held similar qualms of leaving her as well._

_For him, it was because of their mother. Realistically, his issues with her are just that, issues between the two of them. Their mother adored his sister, she'd be fine in her care without him, he hoped as much. For her, she claimed he wouldn't be able to take care of himself without her, as if he himself were the child and not 18 years old._

_In the end, the lure of moving out won and he left with teary eyes and promises that he would take care of himself and visit or call when he could._

_He was successful for the most part._

_He called as frequently as he could and when they were both off from school, they'd walk around town together - though mostly she'd just visit him at practice. Eiji's only issue was that his academics and sports fully took his attention, basic need sometimes put on hold._

_Luckily, Eiji had a nice neighbor. He met her one afternoon when practice had ended early. She had trouble opening her door with all the groceries in her hand and Eiji, ever the gentleman, would never standby and simply let her struggle, so he helped. They hit it off from there._

_She worried for Eiji same as his own sister, bringing him food every time he got home after practice . He asked her once, over a meal she prepared, when she had the time to do all of this especially for him. She said her husband was never home, he wouldn't appreciate all her work, not as much as Eiji did, anyway. She said she liked Eiji, said he was a reliable man who'd make any woman happy._

_At the time, Eiji - reminded of his worrisome sister - thought it was sweet._

_It became less sweet when her usual food drop-off led to his living room floor. When she told him, that her husband was a disgusting pig, that Eiji was nothing like that foul man - " ~~Eiji, you'd take care of me, wouldn't you?"~~_

_It became less sweet when her hands ripped his shirt away to trace at the skin underneath, going lower and lower. When she leaned down to kiss up from his waist to his chest, across his collar bone and neck until she stopped to lean over his face - inky hair falling on damp cheeks - " ~~You're just too beautiful and kind to just pass up."~~_

_It became less sweet when his pants were dragged down, small hands pressing his own to the floor as a warm body connected with his own - " ~~Make me feel good, Eiji."~~_

_But maybe that's all wrong - maybe Eiji was demonizing this too much, maybe he should just enjoy that he had sex with a beautiful woman, right?_

_" ~~Don't worry, baby. You'll enjoy it too."~~_

_She said he'd like it, he should have liked it._

_He didn't. Not that time and not the next three times, but maybe there's something wrong with him._

_She said as much, anyway._

* * *

When he comes back to the present, Golzine is gone and Yut-Lung is dressed beside him. He's still not completely there yet, he knows this because of how his breath hitches simply at the sight of Yut-Lung - _he looks so much like her_. 

"Something on your mind?"

Despite the situation, the question manages to ground him, pulling him away from another panic as his brain registers that the person he's with is distinctly male - a male who a few moments ago would have also had his way with him, but a male nonetheless.

"Are you okay with all this?" He dares to ask because they need to talk more, he _needs_ Yut-Lung to keep talking lest he blank out again.

"What, sleeping with him? Or how he was going to enjoy having us both?"

Yut-Lung crawls back onto the bed, graceful in a way that makes Eiji tense up. The man leans over him - _go away, go away, go away_ \- and simply sets him free from the rope bounding his hands. The relief it brings has Eiji flinching upward as his body and mind register that Yut-Lung isn't going to do anything to him tonight.

"Both!"

"It's not that big a deal. Ash has done it, too. He was one of Golzine's male prostitutes. He made his way up with his skills and intelligence. No use glossing over it. He did what he had to do in order to survive." Yut-Lung states it all as fact - a truth that he too seems to know personally. "It seems like you had a much happier upbringing. Maybe that's why you irritate me. But you can't look away from it anymore, toughen up and face it. This is the world Ash lives in."

Eiji internalizes the words, repeats them like a mantra over and over and over again. His thoughts scatter from the beginning to the end of it all - from Skip, who died because he wasn't good enough, to Griffin, who died because he wasn't smart enough, to Shorter, who has Banana Fish running through his veins because he wasn't strong enough. They end at Ash Lynx, who told him he shouldn't blame himself but told him all these things before, who had every right to do so because Eiji _is_ useless and he's nothing but a burden to the lynx. It's almost easy how the ice cold clarity these thoughts bring washes away any thoughts he had before - _but i still feel her touching me, feel them touching me._

Eiji is selfish. My, how selfish he must be to think only of himself when others have had it so much worse than him, to compare what happened to them to what happened to him - _nothing happened, it was just sex, i simply didn't enjoy it. it was just sex!_

As Yut-Lung leaves, Eiji lets the mantra shift to thoughts of the American he's grown so close to.

He hopes that Ash is okay.

* * *

When he's finally allowed to leave the room, he's fully dressed and heavily drugged - his mind is foggy and his body can't even seem to hold itself up. 

There's too much going on around him; yet, its not enough. His clothes are scratching him where rough hands are holding him at bay, his skin feels raw where they meet. The walls and floors become a mess of colors before his very eyes, bleeding together like watered down paint. His heart is beating in his ears, a sluggish _lub-dub_ that overpowers any other sound around him.

"Damned Jap can't even walk!"

The sudden voice right beside his ear shocks him, turns the _lub-dub_ into a ringing as he crashes to the floor. His messy limbs won't coordinate and he writhes on the floor for a while as he tries to get his feet back under him. The men are laughing at him, he knows this because of how loudly it echoes in his ears as they haul him back up. He tries harder now to focus on the movement of his feet - _left, right, left, right, left, right_ \- but Eiji can't walk correctly anymore. He wonders if he's been walking straight this whole time or not.

By the time they take him to where they needed - Eiji knows because of how abruptly they stop - he is no more in control of his body as he was since the beginning of the trip. 

The watery colors he saw the entire way there have shifted into pure darkness, through it he thinks he can distantly hear someone yell his name. The hands let go of him - shoving him away actually - and he falls into another's hands, being pulled forward by the collar of his shirt. It's not enough to hold him with how shaky his legs are so he immediately drops. The moment he's given there allows his mind to wander to half-baked, random thoughts - _the floor is cold or maybe i'm just cold, i'm shaking afterall._

He can't seem to stop the tremors that wrack violently through his body, even as a hand roughly yanks him to his knees by the roots of his hair.

"Shorter . . . He's your enemy." There's a voice right behind him, one he recognizes, but it's cutting out too much and he can only make out a bit of what their saying. The next words come clearly, however. "Kill him."

The clarity leaves after that as the next seconds, minutes, are filled with muffled words, his brain too sluggish to decipher them. Eiji tries to take this time to get himself together, as unsuccessful as it may be. He knows enough about the situation though. Shorter's here - _oh, shorter_ \- and Shorter has to kill him - _why does shorter have to kill me? i like shorter, we're friends._

"No, Shorter!"

That's Ash isn't it - _ash is here!_

The thought clears his mind for a second more until he's aware enough to see the blurry outline of Shorter through the darkness all around him. It's hard to make out, there's a large tan blob that vaguely resembles a human body. One arm - _yes, that's an arm_ \- extends outward, holding something - _what is that? it's shiny._

"Shorter, it me. Can't you tell?" He's lucky the words come out clearly, for all that his tongue feels like lead as Shorter's silhouette staggers towards him. It's scary especially with his vison being so poor. "Shorter!"

There's no more clarity in his sight or in Shorter's mind, as such Eiji barely rolls out of the way as the blurry mass that is his friend lunges at him. The something - _a knife, it's a knife_ \- manages to cut his arm and as unlucky as it may seem, Eiji finds that the pain brings a clears the fog from his mind just a little.

The darkness around him bleeds away to something closer to the room he's in. A dirty, dreadful room where Shorter stands before him in shocking clarity - the pain and fear on his face easily readable - while everyone else melts into a part of the blurry background.

The shock this change brings gives him barely enough time to get to his feet. Even as he does, Shorter takes advantage of his momentary weakness and slices at his chest. Again the sharp, burning pain gives clarity and he's easily able to make out Arthur - _that's who the voice was_ \- kicking a knife his way.

"If you don't want to die, you better fight back."

And isn't that the most obvious thing in the world.

Eiji doesn't want to die. But he also doesn't want to hurt Shorter - the likelihood of that happening is slim, so Eiji reasons that perhaps he should accept his own death as he picks up the offered knife.

Isn't that just a strange thing, dying at 19? He thought he'd live longer than this, especially after Ibe rescued him from Izumo.

"Shorter, please! wake up!"

Eiji can see Ash now, too. He's in pain - it's clear in his voice and on his face. He looks so young now, so scared.

Eiji turns back to Shorter then - _ash already lost his brother to Banana Fish. he can't lose you too, shorter!_

"Shorter, its me, Eiji. Can't you see?" Eiji's desperate enough to try once more, its met with the same results as Shorter only yells and continuously swipes at him. "Please, Shorter!"

The world is coming to him faster in this moment, where Shorter runs at him and he stumbles away. It's all he can do, he's not a fighter not like everyone he's met so far. He can only run and delay the inevitable - the newly added cuts on his right arm, his left elbow and his cheek are a testament to that.

When Shorter runs at him again, he finds that he's grown tired of running - _i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry_ \- and he falls back.

_i'm gonna die._

"Shorter!!"

Time stops then, Eiji's sure of it because Shorter freezes unnaturally - because his own frantic thoughts come to a stop, as well. All there is is Ash. Ash who looks on the verge of tears. Ash who stoicism fades to pure fear. 

_Ash, Ash, Ash_ , _Ash, Ash. . ._

His mind reels and it must be the same for Shorter because he stumbles towards the blond, body pulled tight as if he's about to spring into action again. They talk - _shorter talks_ \- in hushed voices that among the deafening silence of the room, give Eiji hope.

Arthur crushes that hope as he lifts Eiji up by his collar, distracting them both from each other to being Shorter's attention back to Eiji.

"Your enemy's right here. Come on."

And now all that tightness in Shorter's body releases as he lunges at Eiji again. 

_i'm gonna die._

Shorter swipes at him again, his swing clashing with Eiji's own knife with enough strength to make his arms shake.

_i'm gonna die._

Ash telling his to run, he's trying to he really is.

_i'm gonna die._

There's no where else to go and the knife falls from his hand as his own body crashes to the floor. Shorter straddles him now, a hand closing around his throat and a knife held high in the other. 

_i'm gonna die._

Eiji closes eyes.

And he opens them again, to his own numb horror, as a bang rings through his ears. There's blood dripping down of his face - _shorter's blood, shorter's bleeding._ And Shorter drops onto him, limp like a puppet cut from it's stings - _shorter's dead._

That can't be true, can it?

"Shorter. . . . . Shorter, answer me."

His voice shakes along with the movement of his own limbs as he tries to rouse Shorter from on top of him - _because shorter's not dead, he's not._ There's a warmth pooling between them, sinking through Eiji's shirt and collecting on the floor below them. It comes to a shock when he realizes it's all Shorter's blood - _oh, god. oh, god. this is real. shorter's dead. this is real._

He's on the verge of panic when large hands grab at him, ignoring his thrashing to pull him out from underneath Shorter. As he's hauled up he vaguely registers the crowd of faceless people surrounding Shorter's body like vultures.

". . . don't touch him."

It sounds weak even in his own ringing ears and he's easily ignored as they lift Shorter's body away, taking him into the shadows beyond the rusty door - _bring him back, bring him back!_

Too busy focusing on Shorter, he doesn't even register that he's being taken away too - in his impending panic he also doesn't realize that he's calling out to someone else in the room.

_ash. ash. ash. ash. ash._

* * *

The men throw him into a random room onto a random bed, jeering at him with their disgusting faces and mocking him with their disgusting voices.

"Lucky you, you're 'off duty' tonight. Papa likes composed little boys like Ash. Little kittens like you should at least try to be cute." 

They laugh as they leave and Eiji finds his relief at their departure turning into anger. He throws a pillow after them. It hits nothing but solid door. The same goes for the wooden chair he throws next. As it's splintered legs break from it's body, falling to the floor, Eiji finds himself cracking with them. Sitting among the small destruction he caused, he curls against the door and sobs.

He stays that way until the following night where the mansion rattles with explosions and gun fire echoes through the halls, until Ash takes him from that room with a promise to protect him.

He stays that way until Ash hands him over to his gang with a vow to bring Shorter back to them, until they drive away from the retched place with the world blurring past them. 

He stays that way until someone - Alex, he thinks - pulls him from the car to the hideout, until they clean his wounds and giving him fresh clothes. 

The clothes are soft and they smell clean - the grey scraps that held a mix of his own blood and Shorter's long gone. The couch he sits on is comfortable - he's allowed to get up and walk around and move as he pleases, no one tying him down or holding him. The space around them is safe - there's no more faceless people or wandering hands, just Alex who stays awake watching over them all until Ash gets back as everyone else snores around him.

With all this, a new day starts and Eiji forgets about Golzine's mansion, about bad memories of the past and the present, about foggy thoughts and the clarity that came from a gun, about kind voices that said they wouldn't let anything happen to him only for them too to be snuffed out.

He wonders whether Ash is coming back.

**Author's Note:**

> i've been waiting to clear this bad boy from my drafts for the past 3 months.
> 
> hope you enjoyed the story.


End file.
